| Ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out... |
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.:%*The Adventures of Miss Priss*%:.
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| i'd like to thank you greatly... for making it so easy |
[31 Jan 2007|12:21am] |
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_i'd like to thank you for making it so easy to get over you, because if this is how you cope with shit, i'm glad you're not letting this progress. you're only proving yourself to be a child, i made it very clear to you that i'd rather see you happy than stranded, so go to her if that's what you want, or don't, but whichever you choose, don't act like a miserable bitch to me. i'd rather not have to, but if it's the only choice, i will get over you. being mad at you makes me gramatically challenged, goddamnit.
but it's nothing compared to what being smitten with you does to me =/
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| a quick update... |
[27 Jan 2007|09:19pm] |
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_so this morning i went to write a poem.. and if you've ever read any of my poetry you know that when i'm making rhymy shit.. things are rough. so i was starting this poem and i got to like my fourth line when matt called and distracted me, and ended up making me more pissed off than i already was. i really can't deal with being in a relationship alongside another whiney child. i didn't think he was like that at first, but now i'm not sure. this weeks been weird, maybe it's been weird for him as well. i tend to only look at my standpoint on something, i miss it when other people are acting aloof for a reason. i guess i'm somewhat selfish in that respect.
_school started on monday, already i have a ton of work, already i'm procrastinating. i'll get it done.. i'm taking painting, soc, literature and ceramics. okay, okay, so most of those are play classes, actaully all of them are for me, but whatever, i've been stressed and they're in my curriculum. i think i'm most excited about ceramics because it seems fast paced. it was the only class that we really started doing things on the first day, and i love that. next week we're making pots, oh and apparently you're not allowed to make ashtrays. i'll sneak one in.
_i've got this really awesome cold going on which led me to cancelling this weekend's plans, which was rather depressing. the boy was coming out here.. and i miss him an obscene amount. i know distance makes the heart grow fonder, but this amount of it is getting obsurd!
_i'm thinking this is gunna be it for tonight.. i don't feel like drowning myself in negatives right now.. but i'm sure i will again soon, i just figured i'd keep you posted!
au voir!
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| what's the point in pushing yourself to be in a relationship that's starting out feeling so crappy? |
[20 Jan 2007|08:35am] |
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waiting to look up |
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_i really expected this to be different, it really isn't. i've tried not to post angry, i haven't posted at all. megan says i'm just thinking of excuses so i can sheild myself from getting hurt. you lemmeno, i'm gunna take this from today.. today being the day that's just finished since i haven't slept yet.
_i called him last night at like 11 fifteenish, he called me back when he got off work. he was in a pissy mood, but adorable as always. i got to hear allllll about the frosh girl who watched him pee/got mad that he didn't want to make out with her. i'm not positive if this is supposed to stir up jealousy or what, but that's really not my game. for those who know me, and those who don't and only read my posts, it's obvious i'm a bit old to play the high school game. it just gets annoying to me to constantly hear about girls in their school and about cleavage and promdates and uggs. really obnoxious, not attractive. i'd counteract it with talking about my exs.. but that's what they are to me, rather all the are to me. JUST EXES, not daily battles, they're parts of my past, i've moved on. however... ugh, i was totolly plagued with unwelcomed feelings tonight, but i'll get into that later. so i spoke to him while i finished a painting, and he was going to bed he asked me to call him at seven to wake him up. i said okay.
_i finished my painting and i planned to send it to him, it's kind of cute it's two people in a passionate kiss, neither of them look like either of us, but still, i kind of like it. it's blisstastic, i wrote him some crazy drawn out letter, and decided i was going to call him at five (due to a sudden 4 am rush of emotion i couldn't bear the idea of waiting until seven to hear his voice on the line.) when five drew near i reconsidered calling so early and waited until six.
-*groans, grumbles, other nasty sounds*
_"wake up, wake up, wake up i want to talkkkkk to youuuuu"
_"it's six am"
_"i couldn't wait"
_"it's six am"
_the beginning of the conversation only foreshadowed the crappiness to follow. i felt incredibly nagging, frustrating and annoying. i loveee feeling like those things, oh wait, it makes me feel like shit. whatever we hung up at like seven because he had to shower and he said he'd call me tonight. you know, when he was out getting fucked up with his friends. maybe the female friend with "obsurdly out there" cleavage who had asked him to get drunk in her empty house earlier this week. apparently she's gorgeous and adorable. good to know, cause i needed to hear it. it's not that i'm jealous, because so early into this i feel like if it's not meant to be, cest le vie, i didn't put that much into it anyway, but i just wonder why her cleavage was so damn important that he had to bring it up, or why she gets brought up in almost every other conversation.
_crawled into bed by nine, woke up in darkness, slightly surreal. briana came over when i woke up i did her hair and it looks absolutely incredible then we went on a quest for the perfect snack. while in the food store.. me with my hair in a totally cuely disheveled ponytail and bree with every peice of differntly patterned pj i own, i ran into someone slightly important to me's mother. seeing her immediately brought me back to the last time i spoke to her.. with her son, with john, late this spring, and hanging out with him that night and the way i smiled so fucking much that night my cheeks were killing me in the morning. we didn't even do anything incredible we drove some kid home and then met up with jessica and chris for coffee but i hadn't seen him in so long and it was just uncomfortably comfy being in his presence, it always is. and the way he hugged me goodnight when he dropped me off that night.. i felt something in it, maybe the foreshadowing of me losing my virginity to him a few months later? i don't know, it was just some message that i was getting loud and clear but couldn't understand. like being in some forein country, laying on the floor of a cheap motel watching french soap operas when the system warning comes on and it's so excruciatingly loud but i can't understand what they're saying at all. that feeling. something's happening but i can't grab it. seeing his mom brought me back to that, and left me with this funk in my head. we talked for a bit then briana's and my quest continued, but by the time we got home i'd lost my appetite, no matter how perfect our snack was.
_when we got home we watched ali g indahouse, cruel intentions and dirty love before i did bree's hair and makeup for a miniphotoshoot in my infamous green dress. (what can i say? we're both photo people *and* movie people) now that it's seven thirty and the suns up i'm sitting around reveiwing pictures which came out really good. i used soft dramatic lighting, lacy clothes, and the canopy over my bed as a backdrop which was a nice contrast to the bold colors in her hair and her vibrantly hued makeup. just incase i didn't say it, or even if i did i'll reiterate, it's seven thirty. seven thirty in the am. matt didn't call.
_anyway i'm going to stop stressing and go to bed, i have a makeover at four and a photoshoot to assist in to follow, and then i think i'm going to briana's to hang out with her and some touring band from boston, and edit her pictures with her. should be interesting, just not so much if this heavy mood that's been following me all week doesn't lighten up.
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| just the date. |
[18 Jan 2007|02:21pm] |
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suprisingly upbeat |
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everytime i think about it... this little voice inside my head is screaming at the top of it's lungs, begging him not to be a mistake
_so yes, i finally spoke to him, and things worked themselves out. i get a little overdramatic apparently. still get this nervous feeling all the time, maybe it's just self insecurities, or maybe school being out for winter break has really driven me mad.
_he called me yesterday morning, i was still awake from the previous day. didn't see that coming, i spoke to him for a bit, helped my mother with random things and then crawled into bed expecting to wake up around one to go get some things done that must be finished before school starts again on monday. without fail i overslept and rolled out of bed barely a few hours before he called me again.. at night. that led me into almost two am, and random instant messaging conversations afterward pretty much led me to sleep.
_i was somewhat dreading amanda calling early today to hang out, as i really do enjoy sleeping until well past noon, and thank god, she got caught up at school and didn't call until just a half hour ago. when she did we made plans for threeish and i just got out of the shower.. i figured i'd update before getting on with my day, but for now i really do need to go get dressed, more later! :]
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| random out of nowhere psychopost |
[16 Jan 2007|01:26am] |
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okay so i need to vent, i probably won't even post this, but if i do most people who read it are so minute to me that i haven't even bothered speaking to them in years. i feel godawful. like.. i feel the exact same way as i did when luc and i broke up (ossh i haven't posted since we've been dating, yeah not an item anymore) though i'm not breaking up with anyone. i have that same shaky nervous feeling that i felt when i cried in his arms that night soaking his clothes in my salty weakness. i don't think it was pain so much as fear. i didn't know then how to live without him, and now i just don't know how to live.
all these random melancholy feelings of course revolve around a boy. that's obvious, i mean look at my entire profile, all my blogs, it's all about some guy or another kissing mike, flirting with john, the beginning with luc, always about boys. but none of them really hit me this hard. i've never been this shaken by my emotions, it's not like me.
for those of you who know me, and those of you who don't know my well, i'm a cynical, dark, outladish bitch. i know everything all the time, i'm always right and if you're below me, which i honestly usually feel like most of you are, i won't bother with you. let's face it kids, i'm a cunt. it took me less than twenty four hours to get over the thensaid love of my life, and through every other breakup, i didn't even flinch. but now, just the idea of feeling the way i do brings me almost to tears.
he's typical, younger and inconviently placed in jersey, aka drama i don't need in my epic day to day. he's my best friend's psudeo boyfriend's step brother who i saw on the internet because acutely infatuated with and mentioned to chris, it became a joke. "going to fuckkk your step brother and his hot ass" "gunna rail him to peices" "damnnnn what a hottie." typical priscilla shit. i didn't even expect to like him. when i met him it took me a while to warm up to him, but by the second night i couldn't keep my hands off him, also and incredibly non me thing. i, the girl who flinches and gets up and walks away when being touched, touched by men i've been with for obscenely long times, the kind who i've trusted myself with, the kind who i've told i loved, canoodling with a stranger? should have been the first sign, should have stopped it there. it only got worse.
hour long phone calls at night turned into two hour long ones, to three to five to good morning calls as well. i honest to god felt like i would bust if i had to wait any longer to see him again. i picked him up saturday and it was a little uncomfortable being in the car with him and my fam on my way to my bro's bball game after spending two weeks pouring my heart out on the phone to someone, but things progressively got better.
"tell me something"
"like how i'm going to fuck you?" okay, his response freaked me out a little, and it only pissed me off about an hour later when he was on the phone and asked chris to give him a ride home. i kind of felt like the two things correlated from me telling him that we weren't going to have sex to him not feeling too hot about spending the night. i got over it.
at like fourish chris came by we drove around for a bit matt asked if he should go home i told him probably not. he stayed, under the pretence of no sex, i'm not sure if he really wanted to or not, but things progressed as the night went on, kissing, handcuffs, touching, sex. i wouldn't be me if i kept my word.
it was needless to say that he was perfect, maybe i wouldn't feel like this if he wasn't, everything about touching him excited me above and beyond anything else i could possibly think of, his lips, his movement, the way he raun his hands over my skin, perfection. i hate it.
more kissing, hugging and laying there after the fact, touching his hair, smelling his skin, falling asleep in his sweatshirt. and of course the next morning, seeing him there again, it just felt so right, too right.
so right that it petrifies every part of me. everytime i breathe i feel like i'm fucking it up, it's like walking on broken glass.
i went to see him today at his dad's before he went home, we watched a movie, made fun of each other, watched videos on youtube, nothing major. everytime i kissed him i felt this overwhelming unexplainable feeling like i wanted to just hug him forever but was of course scared to, his father is already incredibly unimpressed with me since he slept over my house without permission, and got caught. it's just like, not me at all. he let me read his notebooks, he writes, he writes a lot, he writes better than me, it kind of meant a lot to me, it made me just want to hug him more.
it's like everytime he opens his mouth intellegence oozes out and i can't find the language to put the words together for a second to explain how i feel, and even if i did would he want to hear them? after all.. wasn't he set on leaving when he found out sex wasn't involved?
i'm not sure anymore, all i know is that i miss the uncertainty of not caring enough, putting your emotions out there is fucking scary.
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| unfinished untitled. |
[02 Aug 2005|06:39am] |
it's not even six but i'm watching the sun peirce the dark sky
it tears and rips at the even and floods it with light
and there are promises for today flying high like a balloon
red and swearing on the outside but inside it's just hot air
you tell me it's better but this is just how we mend and repair
with scars and wounds over bigger words when "i love you" sounds so trite
i'd love to be your paperdoll but it's gunna take more than tape to make me alright
i'm ripping apart at the seams and i'm in needance of some medication
because when the nurse comes into my head there's just complication
and the people around me want to help me but i just want to hold you
and when i hold you you leave and when you're gone i just beat myself black and blue.
so the clock strikes six and i wonder what today will bring and i fall to my knees
another screaming sobbing melodramatic scene, mainactress crying please
and these arounds are so much deeper than you, know your apathy's a knife
cutting into my flesh of indecision with your cold hard strife
my ignorant blood is drowning me in a pool of warmth
funny i'd drown myself in myself.
when even i'm my own enemy it's hard to battle the competition
when you're the one i want, but i'm lacking the ambition
all these little demons in my head are keeping me unwell
i try to fight them off, scratching at myself until my arms and legs swell.
i'll reimprove and reinvent until i'm closer to perfect
trying so hard to fit your mold and hide the defect
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[22 Jul 2005|03:13am] |
Based on the lj interests lists of those who share my more unusual interests, the interests suggestion meme thinks I might be interested in
coded by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8) ixwin
Find out more
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[15 Apr 2005|01:58pm] |
this is the dress. perfection :)
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[15 Apr 2005|01:35pm] |
idk if i'll actaully post this.
i don't know if i know what to say.
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[31 Jan 2005|11:07am] |
okay so yeah. i said i'd update. and i will.
thursday james was supposed to pick up jessica and myself after our my test. the test was decent i think i did okay and when i got out i foundout that jessica didn't come to school and james wouldn't answer his phone. asshole. jess met me at school and we started out on our adventure. we ended up in selden with matt roren and we got into trouble and stuff and yeah. i guess that's it. we need toget chris a promdress.
friday i woke up to jess smith and greg pounding on my door and calling my phone. i refused to getup for a while and then when i did i made them hang out with my mom while i got dressed. we went to dunkin donuts for coffee and stuff and came to school to work on my video but schaeffler wasn't there. so we hung out with mr caulins. haha. umm then we went to matts house and hewasnt there so we tried to go to his workplace but we gotlost. then we got into an accident. we decided to come home. then we watched zoey 101 because we're cool like that. we went to the mall and jess and i got into a fight but whatever we made up so it doesn't matter now and we got taco bell greg and i and my momma flipped out and yeah i went home. cool deals. oh and i made an icon :)
jess smith jess rathjen and me. my two bfflzzzzz haha
 ADVENTURE!
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[21 Jan 2005|06:53am] |
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yeah i do this from time to time to keep it going. hey readers.. i'm still alive. kk :]
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[10 Dec 2004|11:32am] |
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anouther jessless day. i don't think i feel like updating this journal. if you know my other one, read it. ♥
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[16 Nov 2004|12:11pm] |
so um yeah. update day. woo hoo. i kind of just don't want to lose my journal because i haven't updated in forever but there really isn't anything to say. i haven't updated since this summer. but it was great. and school's pretty good this year which is almost shocking. i love ninjas. and my friends. and driving and all that jazz. today's a shitty day i can't find jess so i'm in the library. jess is mah bffl y0.
i love jess.
i love pie.
i love the book i'm reading.
i love myspace.
i love stuff.
yeah. haha.
this is so pointless.
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[10 Aug 2004|06:40am] |
hey kids....
it's been forever and a day, i know. the summer's been pretty good. i have redder hair now. i'd post pictures but i have a myspace for that. haha. um. i don't know. i'm tired. i'm going to the beach now. byeeeeee <3
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| EN FRANCAIS |
[12 Jul 2004|06:00am] |
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était tellement aujourd'hui une bonne journée. j'ai vu quelques singes au zoo. ils ont jeté la merde à moi ! Pouvez vous croire cela ? ! Résidus ! J'ai parlé en ligne à Travis pendant 6 heures et l'ai rendu en
retard pour le travail. J'espère qu'il trouvaille de doesnt mon tombeau que j'ai consacré
à lui alors je masturbated pour pendant quelque temps. Et j'ai pris un certain acide ! J'ai pensé que j'étais Jésus et ai renvoyé ses appels
téléphoniques pendant quelques heures. Laisse voir quoi encore était là... ? Oh ouais ! Travis et moi se marient autrefois en août parce que je suis
aliéné ! Le guitariste des répercussions sera le ministre. Ainsi parce que je ne suis pas réellement Priscilla et moi ne peut
pas parler français beaucoup plus longtemps que je m'arrêterai
maintenant. En outre j'aime attacher de petits garçons pour mon propre amusement
déviant
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[15 Jun 2004|11:37pm] |
Top Commenters on sillyseamonkey's LiveJournal
Total Commenters: 53
Total Comments: 773
Report generated 6/15/2004 11:36:41 PM by scrapdog's LJ Comment Stats Wizard 1.1
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[11 Jun 2004|07:09am] |
i hate dilbert so muhc. it's the last day of school and mrs. wanatick said i didn't have to go to my stupid lab. but dilbert made me. what a buttmuncher. psh... go eat poop.
| sillyseamonkey's LJ stalker is xchristx! | | xchristx is stalking you because they think you are rich and they want your blingbling. They are also eating your food when you aren't looking! |
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| last day of gymmmmm |
[08 Jun 2004|08:57pm] |
Today was the last day of gym playing and it was really sad because Lauren Ashley and I are the best gym players ever. We have amazing sportsmanship and we totally are *not* afraid of the ball. haha
this is lauren and i being camera whores in the locker room:
haha my glasses messed up some pix a bit
OMG BALLS!
[i am a) very much in love with water or b) very scared of kickballs. you decide.)
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